People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
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[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
thank god the sign was there
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing