[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
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You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???