I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
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I’ll never salute you, General Settings
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.