a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
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Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
I hope this email finds you in a well
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”