Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
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Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?