found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
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Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*