Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
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I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.