The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
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There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
*pokes sex life with a stick
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes