[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
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Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”