Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
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My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
good morning
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?