The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
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A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Hot Hot Hot
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out