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A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
I can’t stop watching this.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”