Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
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I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.