I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
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Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
“That’s what” – She
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it