I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
You Might Also Like
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
a badder mouse
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
I could NOT have put it better myself.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*