The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
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her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings