I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
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You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
I’m not proud
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.