I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
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Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
*seductively peels off lederhosen
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
still the best tweet of the year by far
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.