If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
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“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help