Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
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Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Who knew!
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”