[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
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I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”