-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
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Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was