just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
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What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together