BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
You Might Also Like
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?