Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
You Might Also Like
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Super Hand Dog Face
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?