*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
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You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
One venti cheeseburger please.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.