You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
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MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious