just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
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*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
😂😂
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.