[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
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dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?