me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
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*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
When you try jalapeños for the first time
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
i prefer mine room temperature.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*