i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
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Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
I have never related to anyone more.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Living the best life.. 😊
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.