i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
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“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”