There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
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I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*