We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
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Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Somebody’s lying.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
BRO LMFAO
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
OH. COME. ON.