Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
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Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
🌱🌱🌱
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen