Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
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[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.