I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
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ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
guys i’ve cracked the code