Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Bill is short for Billiam
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.