Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
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me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!