Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
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People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
😍😂🥰😂😍
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??