“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
You Might Also Like
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Lmao
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.