[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
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I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Safety first
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer