I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
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I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.