Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
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WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Yup.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?