Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
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What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Carpe DM
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.