The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
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[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified