A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
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I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious