I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
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“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders