“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
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I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.