Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
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*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow